School is in session again – or soon will be. And that means students everywhere are sitting in new math classes, trying to figure out what they remember, and hoping beyond hope that it’s going to make sense.
For a lot of students, one of the hardest parts of math comes when it doesn’t.
Every student of math I have ever known hits what I call a math ceiling somewhere along the way. For some it’s in 2nd grade. For some it’s in high school. For some it’s college math. But somewhere along the way, something that always seemed easy is definitely not easy anymore.
It’s uncomfortable.
When I was teaching math, students who hit that ceiling said one thing more than almost anything else: “I. don’t. get. it.”
They were confused. They were frustrated. Sometimes they had been confused for long enough that they were also panicked, procrastinating, or completely checked out.
The problem with “I don’t get it” is that it gives very little information about where things have gone wrong.
Imagine two people walking into a mechanic shop.
One says, “I have a flat tire.”
The other says, “My car is making a weird noise.”
The mechanic can start helping the flat tire guy immediately. There’s a problem the mechanic can see, locate, and work on.
The weird noise is going to take (maybe a lot more) time to figure out.
“I don’t get it” is the equivalent of the weird noise.
Being specific can make it so much easier for someone (including our math teachers!) to help us.
But first, we have to ask for that help.
Why is that part so hard?
Jeffrey Davis, M. A., says “Learning how to ask for (and accept) help is perhaps one of the greatest skills we can develop. Luckily, new research shows that asking for and actually getting help is a lot easier and less daunting than it seems.”
He goes on:
“The primary reason asking for help is so hard is fear. We fear that we’ll be turned down, laughed at, or revealed to be a fraud. Though these fears are usually unfounded, we are loathe to ask for help because this seemingly simple act carries a number of high social risks: rejection, vulnerability, diminished status, and the inherent relinquishing of control. In the face of these threats, fear overrides reason and, as studies in neuroscience show, this risk of emotional pain activates the same regions of the brain as physical pain.”
So how do we get past the fear?
He suggests 4 ways:
1. Be concise and specific. Asking for and offering help can only be productive under one crucial condition: clear communication. Try to communicate your request as clearly and concisely as possible. (Be the flat tire guy!)
2. Don’t apologize. Don’t apologize for asking for help. No one gets excited about a task that the asker feels the need to apologize for. We all need help sometimes and it’s nothing to be ashamed of—but apologizing makes it seem like you’re doing something wrong by asking and casts the task at hand in a negative light.
3. Make it personal, not transactional. Don’t ask for help over email or text. Though it’s easier to send a written request, it’s also a lot easier to say no to one. Try to speak face to face or call. Studies show that face-to-face requests are 34 times more successful!
Make your request more personal by explaining why the person’s skills or expertise make them uniquely suited to this task. This casts them as a helpful person and not just another person you can resort to for help.
4. Follow up with results. (This is a piece we often forget!) Beyond expressing your gratitude, you should follow up with the helper to share the tangible results of their aid. As much as we’d like to think that acts of generosity are their own reward, the reality is that people long to feel effective. We want to feel that the work we do and the help we give matters. Take the time to show the people who help you why their support not only matters to you, but how it makes a larger impact on your life, work, or community.
I can’t wait to hear about how you’re working on asking for help – whether you’re in a math class, or not. And if you need help with the asking – or the math, honestly – I’d be happy to help.
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PS If you liked this post – or any others, I’d love you to pass me and my work on to a friend. They can find out much more about me here if they’re interested!
