In my “I’m-getting-kinda-old” lifetime of study, experience, and very (un)scientific research, I’ve found 15 things that can be stumbling blocks in marriage/dating/partner relationships. In no particular order, they are:
- Household Chores and Division of Labor
- Habits/Addicitions/Ambitions
- Having Children or Getting Children or Parenting Children
- Travel and Vacation Time
- Attention or Lack of Attention or Jealousy
- Intimacy and Desire
- Communication Style and Decision Making
- Alone Time and Together Time
- Energy Level and Lifestyle
- Do We Get a Dog?
- Affection and Gifting and Warmth
- Friends and Couple Friends and Extended Family
- Finances and Money Acquisition and Money Disbursement
- Religious Beliefs and Religious Expression
- Work/Life Balance or Separation
These unsurprisingly common issues also produce unsurprisingly common arguments, discussions, and fights. And someone in these unsurprisingly common arguments, discussions, or fights often resorts to the tactic of ‘absolutes’ in their attack.
Examples of absolutes are words such as All, None, Every, Always, Just, Only, and Never.
As in:
“You NEVER follow through.”
“You’re ALWAYS late.”
“If you would JUST listen to me one time!”
And
“EVERY time I bring this up you shut down!”
I could tell you today what you’ve been told by lots of people before me – absolutes are absolutely unfair. Using absolutes as part of your arsenal in a discussion or argument with your partner could undervalue anything positive you really do believe, could show disrespect on your part, and could lead to damage in the bond you’ve built.
But what I want to talk about is this: What if you’re the person at the receiving end of the absolutes?
One of my favorite concepts – and one I’m continually working on – is called Fogging.
15 years ago Bert Webb defined it this way:
“Fogging is an assertiveness skill that is aptly named for the dense mist that has often confused many travelers. In a fog, we lose our bearings, miss important landmarks and find ourselves off the road in a ditch that we failed to see. The assertive communication technique of fogging works the same way by confusing the verbal bully, who expects his victims to get angry and defend themselves, entering into a fight that the bully knows all too well how to win. Fogging works because the technique presents to the bully a tactic they don’t expect: agreement.”
I learned more about it as it is taught by Russ Harris in his own work on assertiveness.
He says this:
“Fogging is a good way to respond to a harsh judgment or criticism that takes you by surprise; it buys you time to recover from the attack without getting into an argument. So you don’t counter-attack with your own criticism. Nor do you get defensive and argue it’s not true. You don’t say the other person is wrong; but nor do you say they’re right. You basically find a ‘grain of truth’ in the other party’s criticism that you can agree with, no matter how small it may be.”
For example:
Absolute statement: “You’re so lazy! You never follow through on anything!”
Fogging reply: “Yes, there are times when I don’t follow through.”
He explains, “Note that you’re not agreeing you’re lazy or you NEVER follow through; you are acknowledging the truth that at times – like everyone else on the planet – you don’t follow through.”
Another example:
Absolute statement: “You’re always late!”
Fogging reply: “Yes, I was late on this occasion, and I can see how frustrating that is for you.”
You’re not agreeing that you are ALWAYS late. You are taking responsibility for being late this time and validating the frustration to which it may have contributed.
Taking responsibility, acknowledging the small grain of truth.
I can’t wait to see how fogging might allow for more fruitful discussions in some of these areas of concern for you. And if you need help with any of them, I’d love to work alongside you.
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