The principal that hired me for my first teaching job was named Mr. Steele. He was a tough guy with a huge heart and a huge temper to match. He was passionate about the program he started in his school for kids that were struggling and boy, did he want them to succeed.
I remember a few months into that first job with those rough and tumble kids, I went to his office – probably in my sailor dress and my big bangs – with some real doubt about my abilities.
“What’s going on?”, he said.
I listed things off – one of my ‘kids’ had almost fought a teacher in the hall and I’d had to intervene, one had just been arrested for some gang involvement after making such progress at school, one had lied to his mom about something big and, after the Vice Principal had suspended him, I’d had to tell his mom the truth. The list of how I thought I was failing went on. And it was only Tuesday.
I thought maybe he’d agree. Maybe I wasn’t up for this job. Maybe these kids in this program he cared so much about needed someone else.
But you know what he said? I never forgot it. He said, “Sounds like we found the right kids.”
Something I learned a while ago from Dr. Kristy Ludwig is what magic can be created with the combination of acceptance and validation PLUS confidence.
That combination sounds like:
“I see that this is uncomfortable for you, and I am 100% sure you can handle the discomfort.”
“I can see how hurtful this is for you. And I know you can find an answer.”
“I have such faith in your abilities. Even though this is disappointing, I know you can figure it out.”
After his surprising initial statement about finding the right kids, what Mr. Steele said to me was, “Hey, I can see it’s been a tough week. There will for sure be tough weeks. But you are exactly where you need to be. These kids need YOU.”
As much as that magic combination of acceptance and validation plus confidence is so helpful coming from those we value and care about, the longer I’ve been on this planet, the more I’ve realized it may be even more important when talking to ourselves. Something a lot of us are not great at.
Try it!
“I see that this is uncomfortable for you, and I am 100% sure you can handle the discomfort.”
“I can see how hurtful this is for you. And I know you can find an answer.”
“I have such faith in your abilities. Even though this is disappointing, I know you can figure it out.”
I can’t wait to hear about how you are using the magic combination on yourself. And if you need tools to get you started, I’d love to help. I know you can do it.
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