I sometimes joke that without the Enneagram, I wouldn’t be married. But I’m only partly kidding.
Darren and I had been dating again for about a year when I followed the recommendation of a podcaster I respected and bought the book “The Road Back to You.”
That book started a journey and a rabbit hole that still hasn’t stopped – and I’m dozens and dozens and dozens of books in.
It has become one of the clearest lenses through which I see the world – and the people in it.
I heard someone say once that dating “stirs up the black gunk that lives at the bottom of your pots”, and Darren and I had some history of letting that black gunk get us stuck.
I’ll give you a pre-Enneagram example.
Darren would ask me out to a matinee movie and then dinner. We would have a great time – laugh, tease, talk – until after the movie when he would say “I think I’m just going to take you home.”
I would think something had gone terribly wrong.
He would sense I thought something had gone terribly wrong.
He would drop me off and I would be quiet – and hungry.
He wouldn’t call for a couple days.
I would be (more than) a little panicked.
He thought I was disappointed in him.
I thought he’d changed his mind about me.
Then we’d start again.
This pattern repeated itself in at least a few iterations.
But we had it all wrong.
And thank goodness we figured it out.
It changed everything.
Once I understood, with the help of the Enneagram, what really motivated our individual personalities, that same scenario looked like this:
Darren would ask me out to a matinee movie and then dinner.
I would say ‘That sounds fun – let’s do the movie and see how you feel.’
We would have a great time – laugh, tease, talk – and after the movie I would say “Do you have enough energy to grab dinner or do you need to just head home?”
I now knew nothing had gone terribly wrong.
He now knew I knew nothing had gone terribly wrong.
He would drop me off and I would call a friend to grab dinner.
I didn’t have to feel afraid.
He didn’t have to feel like he’d disappointed me.
He would call me later that night to say goodnight.
I had a new found compassion – and language – for his depletion of energy.
He had a new found compassion – and understanding – for my fear.
We had figured out a way to make all of it okay.
One of the gajillion things the Enneagram offers is a way to be sensitive to others’ experiences and to see their motivation for what it is.
Your mom might sincerely not understand that you don’t want her just dropping by – she might be so motivated by the need to be the one to meet everyone’s needs that she misses the boundary you’re setting.
Your husband might want you to load the dishwasher a certain way not because he thinks you’re doing it wrong, but because he’s really motivated by doing things ‘right’.
Your teenager might not care one bit about grades not because she’s lazy but because school is suuuuuuper tedious and constricting to her and there’s a big ‘ole world she’s really motivated to experience.
And your boyfriend might just want to go home after the movie, not because he doesn’t care about you, but because he is 100% empty of the day’s allotment of energy and needs more than anything to just reset by being alone.
Not all of my clients know or care about the Enneagram – and I usually don’t bring it up unless they do. But wow is it useful in helping people understand themselves and their world!
If you’re intrigued, here are a few places to start:
Book: The Road Back to You by Cron and Stabile
Website: theenneagraminstitute.com
Instagram: @sallysenneagramstop
I can’t wait to hear about the ways you’re not letting your natural motivation work against you. And the ways you’re learning compassion for the natural motivation of others.
And if you need help figuring out your Enneagram number (and what’s motivating you!), I’m here to help.
I’ve read a few books. Or 80. 😬
