Our grandson Crew is almost 5 years old.  He is tender, playful, inquisitive, and smart.  Really smart.  

One morning a few months ago, Darren and I were with Crew’s family at their house and Crew and his twin sister were fighting over a toy.  

Their mom asked them to put the toy in the pantry if they couldn’t share.

Darren walked with Crew to the pantry and said in a grandfatherly voice, “Crew, would Jesus want you fighting about the toy?”  Crew replied, quickly, “Well I’m putting it away like my mom asked, so Jesus would be happy.  He’s only sad when we do something wrong.”  

I wish you could have seen the look on Darren’s face.  He turned to his daughter and said “Well, I just got schooled by your 4-year-old.”

This post isn’t about Jesus, or Darren, or even about how smart 4-year-olds can be.  But it is about liking our reasons. 

For a lot of us, someone questioning us on our behavior would bring up a lot of defensiveness.

Not for Crew.  He matter-of-factly stated his reasons and went on with his morning. 

But according to Arlin Cuncic, many of us exhibit one of these 7 behaviors when we are feeling criticized:

• Stop listening to the other person.
• Make excuses about whatever we are being criticized about.
• Blame the other person for what they are criticizing us about.
• Accuse the other person of doing the same thing.
• Try to justify our actions.
• Bring up past things that the other person did wrong and avoid talking about the current issue.
• Tell the other person that they should not feel the way that they do.

When we like our reasons for whatever we did that sparked some criticism, we behave more like Crew – let it roll off our back and get on with our day. 

When we don’t like our reasons – and a tiny part of us knows there is some truth in the other person’s words, we sometimes act on the need to display one of the above behaviors. 

One example I use with my clients is this:  If a person on the street commented that you were a horrible fighter jet pilot you would probably quickly say, ‘You’re right.  I don’t even know how to fly jets!’ and walk on by.  No need to feel defensive because not one ounce of you thinks there’s any reason to dispute the statement. (Unless, of course, you are a fighter pilot.)

But if your boyfriend says ‘I really don’t think you needed to buy another rug at Target!’, your initial reaction will tell you if you think he’s a little bit right. 

Pausing to give attention to those initial thoughts and feelings can give us some useful information.  

Your response could look like “I like my reasons for buying the rug and I’m happy to tell you them if you’d like” OR it could look like  “I’m feeling a little defensive, so you might be right.  I’ll have to take a closer look at why I bought it.”

Answering as quickly and confidently as Crew did might take a while, but if you start to pay attention to your reasons for your actions, my guess is you will find a lot less of a tendency to be defensive about them.  

I can’t wait to hear the progress you’re making on liking your reasons.  If you’re stuck, I’m here to help.  

(And for the record, even if you don’t have a good reason for buying the rug at Target, my guess is Jesus loves you anyway.)