Many, many of my conversations at the very large, very suburban, very public high school where I’m finishing my career are about grades.  SO much talk about grades.  

This post is not about whether we should care about grades (we should) or whether we should expect our children to get ‘good’ grades (we shouldn’t).  

This post is about never again asking your child this question:

“Do you have homework?”

Before you stop reading, let me give you 3 reasons why you might want to stop asking. 

First of all, this question is emphasizing the result of something, not the work it took to get there.  In other words, we are inadvertently telling our children that the only thing we care about their homework is if it’s done.  

Second, in my experience, if you’ve ended up in my office, or an office like it, to talk about grades, your child does, indeed, have homework.  

Third, and most importantly, this yes or no question usually just lets everyone off the hook.  The child says yes, they have homework, just often enough to ensure that they’re set free the rest of the time.  The parent gets to feel like they’re doing their job and is secretly (or not so secretly) happy the child mostly says no – because then they’re off the hook for helping or nagging or begging them to do it.  Until…..well, until. 

Until they check grades.

Until grades are posted. 

Until they hear from a teacher or counselor.

Until.  

I had a meeting this week with a high school junior and both his parents.  His parents were unhappy with his motivation, his effort, his progress towards graduation.  Not a lot of complaints about him at home – but they seemed genuinely surprised about what they termed ‘poor’ grades. 

They had fallen into the ‘Do you have homework?’ trap!

What I suggested to them, and to you, is this question as one alternative:

“When are you going to study tonight?”

This question counters all 3 of the reasons I just described..

First, it emphasizes the work, the studying, the diligence involved in completing homework AND studying for a class. It lets our children know they might want to consider caring about how things are done. 

Second, it validates the fact that there is always studying to be done – and it asks a specific question about what time or how long that studying will occur. 

And third, it is not a yes or no question.  No one is off the hook.  At some specific time that evening (my suggestion is after snacks and down time but before dinner, if possible), or for some amount of time that evening (my suggestion is 10 minutes for every grade – i.e. 9th grader: 90 minutes) the child has the opportunity to organize their materials, work on a paper, do some reading, study or re-write their notes, make some flash cards, type some questions up, prepare for a test, or, in fact, do a homework assignment. 

I suggest you even sit with them and work on your job, community, volunteer, or church work. Not to hover or even to help – but to support, commiserate, and model what studying looks like.    

You might be surprised at how much you both benefit – in improved habits, in stress relief, in extra time, in better sleep, in brain health, in overall positivity at home, and in more connection. 

I can’t wait to hear about the questions you’re asking!  Just please, don’t ask that one.