When Darren was young, he spent a lot of time with his siblings at his favorite Grandma’s house, who lived close to them in their small southern California town. One such day his older sister and one of his older brothers were down at his Grandma’s creek and they started teasing him. Darren, the feisty 8 year-old that he was, went up the creek bank, found the biggest rock he could see, and promptly sent it bouncing down the hill toward his offenders. His aim was true and his rock struck his sister’s back right between her shoulder blades. As she tells it, it didn’t hurt that bad but she screamed and bawled and hollered because Darren deserved to get in trouble. It could have been a lot worse!
Well, Grandma saw this play out from her kitchen window and also saw Darren at the top of the hill jumping around momentarily proud of his deed.
That wouldn’t do.
She went outside, swatted him on the butt, and said “Shame on you!”
Darren knew he’d disappointed his Grandma – someone, who, up until this incident, had been one of his biggest fans.
It did not feel great.
This story reminds me of the passage in Emma when Mr. Knightley scolds her for her unkind behavior towards Miss Bates.
“Badly done, Emma. Badly done.”
My guess is, we all have been on the receiving end of some deserved scolding at one time or another.
I can think of a reprimand I got from my dad in my early 20s that still stings. He was absolutely justified and I was absolutely in the wrong. I have – pretty tearfully, I’m afraid – apologized to the person he was defending many times since that day but I will never forget that feeling.
So what do Darren, Emma, and I have in common?
We were called to accountability by someone who loved us, someone who had our best good in mind, and someone who saw the action for what it was – not some moral flaw that made us a shameful person, but an act. An act that was not a reflection of the person they knew we really were.
Kristen Fuller, M.D., says “Accountability is taking responsibility for your actions or holding another human being responsible for their actions. It is about the action, not about the individual.
When we hold ourselves or others accountable, we often ask:
- “Why did this happen?”
- What was the thought process behind this?”
- “Did you learn anything from this, and if so, what?”
Accountability involves empathy, responsibility, humility, and growth. Accountability is not comfortable… Calling somebody out who has done something objectively wrong as a way to hold them to higher standards in the hope that they fix their mistakes and grow in the future can be messy …. It is hard to hold others, and yourself, responsible. It takes work, courage, humility, emotional intelligence, insight, and empathy.”
Darren will tell you that 8 year-old Darren was not truly sorry for the bouncing boulder, but he was sorry for disappointing his favorite Grandma. He knew deep down she had a good reason for calling him to task that day. He vowed then and there to never disappoint her again.
And while I don’t condone trying to manage someone else’s emotions or someone else’s view of us, taking accountability in the name of trying to be an ever-improving version of ourselves might be one of the most useful things we can choose to do.
I can’t wait to hear about how accountability is playing a role in your current version of yourself. And if you need some assistance from someone who does have your best good in mind, I’d love to help you figure it out.
(Side note – we all agree Mr. Knightley was an Enneagram 1, right?)
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