My dad died four and a half years ago at the age of 86 after an amazing, successful and storied life and a short, but ever-increasing bout with age-related dementia.
It’s his birthday month and he has been on my mind.
His death story – like that of so many people you probably know and have loved – was hurried along by a fall he took about a week before.
I had the chance to clean up some of his wounds after that face-plant of a fall.
He was barely breathing, not eating, not leaving his bed. I got a warm washcloth and just dabbed at his face to try to get more of the blood removed. He just kept softly saying “Thank you Sal. Thank you Sal.”
He was SO appreciative of everything I did for him. Every time. I don’t remember ever leaving his presence without him saying some version of “I love you, I appreciate you, I’m proud of you.”
I have worked with and listened to enough people to know what a rarity that is.
Now, it would be awesome if “Thank you Sal” were my sweet (and human) dad’s last words to me.
Isn’t that how we all want to go out? Thanking those around us for the ways they’ve made our lives more meaningful, more fulfilled, more comfortable, more cared for, more loved?
Since we’re all human, we don’t do things right – even things like dying – 100% of the time.
A couple days later (two days before he passed) he was agitated and calling for me. He wanted his blanket off of him and I was trying to keep it on him (because he only had a hospital gown on and I didn’t want him to flash people that were coming to say goodbye!) and I teasingly said “Daddy, I don’t want to fight with you tonight!” to which he softly but sternly said “We won’t fight if you’ll just shut up.”
These were his last words to me! “We won’t fight if you’ll just shut up.” I still laugh about it.
I could for sure use his words to hurt myself, but why? At what cost?
I am so much happier remembering the tender and appreciative moments two days – and 5 decades worth – before.
One of my favorite authors in the positive psychology space, Rick Hanson, Ph. D., says this:
“Seeing the good in others is … a simple but very powerful way to feel happier and more confident, and become more loving and more productive in the world.”
He goes on to say that “If you feel surrounded by lots of bad, or at best, neutral qualities in others, and only a sprinkling of dimly-sensed good ones, then you naturally feel less supported, less safe, and less inclined to be generous or pursue your dreams. Plus, in a circular way, when another person gets the feeling that you don’t really see much that’s good in him or her, that person is less likely to take the time to see much that’s good in you.”
How do we actually take the extra few seconds to get a sense of what’s inside other people – especially their good qualities?
He offers 4 ideas that I will summarize for you, and me, here:
- Slow down: Become curious about what good qualities might be inside the other person.
- Notice positive intentions: Sometimes people’s aims themselves are positive–which is true of all fundamental wants, even if the methods used to fulfill them have problems. Try to see the good intentions. Sense the longing to be happy in the heart of every person.
- See people’s talents, abilities, and natural strengths – and call them out: Unseen ripples spread far and wide when we see abilities in others – especially if we acknowledge them openly.
- Pay attention to positive character traits: Everyone you know has many virtues, such as determination, generosity, kindness, patience, energy, grit, honesty, fairness, or compassion. Take a moment to observe these virtues in others. You could make a list of virtues in key people in your life–even in people who are challenging for you!
Each of my siblings and my mom have a “last words” story about my dad. Some good, some funny, and some a little challenging.
I can’t wait to hear about your “last words” stories and about the ways you’re choosing to see the good, anyway.
And if you need help with it, I’d love to be here for you.
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