Recently I had a client tell me that she thought she’d done a disservice to her teenager.  “She’s so used to me fixing everything for her that now she can’t figure out how to do it on her own.  I can see so clearly that it’s my fault,” she told me. 

I decided to tell her this story. 

Two of my sisters and I used to design scrapbook supplies for a few different companies during the height of the scrapbooking glory days …. many years ago. 

This was in the pre-zoom era so we worked with each other at each other’s houses. In person. 

Because I worked a full-time job and because Caytie had a busy toddler, we would often work afternoons or evenings at Caytie’s house. 

Coleen had three children ranging in age from 8ish to 12ish at the time.  Often she left them home with their dad or the 12 year old while we worked. 

Often the kids would call her – multiple times! – with disagreements to manage, problems to solve, or decisions to figure out. 

And often, she would kindly not manage or not solve or not figure out. 

Now, I could tell you some beautifully distinct skill on which each of my siblings has a corner of the market – and before this blog has run its course, I probably will.   

But Coleen’s superpower was letting her little kids solve their own problems. 

This doesn’t mean she didn’t love them or help them or hold space for them.  She did.

This does mean she encouraged them to develop their own efficacy. 

Efficacy is one of my favorite words.  It is associated with ideas like effectiveness, success, productiveness, potency, power, benefit, advantage, value, effectuality and constructiveness.

According to the American Psychological Association, “Self-efficacy refers to an individual’s belief in his or her capacity to execute behaviors necessary to produce specific … attainments. Self-efficacy reflects confidence in the ability to exert control over one’s own motivation, behavior, and social environment. These cognitive self-evaluations influence all manner of human experience, including the goals for which people strive, the amount of energy expended toward goal achievement, and likelihood of attaining particular levels of behavioral performance.”

So how did Coleen help those little humans with whom she was entrusted to develop self-efficacy? 

She didn’t become “Solution Coleen” in those scenarios. 

She became “Question Coleen.” 

She would say things like:

“That sounds really hard, what do you think you want to do about it?”

Or

“I have some ideas about what to do.  Do you? Call me back in 10 minutes with your ideas and we’ll compare.”

Or, simply, 

“Gosh, I’m sorry that happened. Are you ok?”

I wish I had written down some of the other questions I heard her ask those little kids then, but I’ve come up with some questions to ask your own little (or big) kids now.  

These are the questions I shared with my client – and with a few clients since!  

The tactic I suggested is simple – the next time she had the urge to solve or fix or decide something FOR her daughter, she could choose to use Coleen’s trick and work WITH her instead, by asking one of these questions:

• There are some things I might do differently if I were you – why don’t you tell me what you think and then I’ll share my thoughts about it.
• What would you change about this situation if you could?
• That sounds really tough, how do you think you could solve this?
• What would you tell your best friend to do in this situation?
• Would you want to do anything differently?
• I have a solution in mind, but I’d love to hear yours first!
• That sounds like a really hard choice, tell me where you’re leaning and maybe we can talk it out.
• What do you think about it?
• What options have you considered?
• Would you like me to give you another point of view?
• What would be most helpful from me right now?
• What kind of input are you looking for?

Coleen’s kids now range in age from 26 – 30 and they are some of the very best problem solvers I know.  They, like my other nieces and nephews, are articulate, powerful, successful humans – and I would (and do!) trust them to help me figure out just about anything. 

I can’t wait to hear how you’re becoming the version of yourself that doesn’t solve everything for everyone.  And if you need help coming up with some questions of your own, I have some ideas.  Just tell me yours, first!

Oh, And PS – this post is coming out on New Year’s Eve.  Be sure to read The January Letter post from my blog and let me know if you want a copy for your New Year’s routines or rituals. 

And thanks for doing this year with me.  I appreciate you reading more than you know.