Lately I’ve been paying attention to how many times clients say something about feeling guilty.

“I feel guilty that I’m not doing more with my time….”

“She makes me feel guilty when I don’t visit her…..”

“I shouldn’t have to feel guilty when I go to the gym….”

You get the idea.

But is guilt really what they’re feeling?

Nick Wignall, one of my favorite psychologists, defines true guilt as “the emotion you experience when you’ve knowingly done something wrong. Whether it’s stealing a cookie from the cookie jar, cheating on an exam, or lying to your spouse, true guilt is a distinctive and narrow emotion.”

He talks about how we often get guilt mixed up with other painful emotions.

“Because of our strange cultural aversion to pity — feeling sad for another person — many of us make the subtle emotional mistake of assuming that because something bad happened and we were involved, we’re therefore guilty.”

In my examples above, it might be indulgent that my client enjoys her free time more than she thinks she should, it might be sad that my client’s sister feels lonely, it might be disappointing that my client’s spouse doesn’t support him going to the gym. 

These are all situations and emotions to explore, for sure.  There is more at play. 

But because they haven’t “knowingly and deliberately done something wrong,” it can’t be guilt.

According to the Encyclopedia of Early Childhood Development, guilt is considered by many to be one of the ‘self-conscious’ emotions we develop in our first years of life.  Self-conscious emotions are just what they sound like – emotions that require the cognitive ability to reflect on the self – and, besides guilt, include embarrassment, empathy, jealousy, hubris, pride, and shame. 

Guilt is set apart from the emotions in my examples – indulgence, sadness, disappointment – because guilt can be dissipated with action!  

If the guilt isn’t real guilt, however, the action is misplaced. It looks like this:

“If I just get busy doing more things I can stop feeling ‘guilty.’”

“If I just go see my sister I can stop feeling ‘guilty.’”

“If I just don’t go to the gym while the kids are awake, I can stop feeling ‘guilty.’”

The misplaced action doesn’t encourage us to deal with the true emotion underneath. 

What would that look like?  Great question.

It might begin with identifying some of the other emotions at play and then asking questions like this:

Am I feeling like I don’t deserve to have some time to myself? Where is that belief coming from? Is it true? Do I like how I’m spending my time? Is my use of time aligning with my values? Is there something I want to change? Etc. 

Or

I’m sad that my sister is feeling lonely. How do I want to show her empathy? Do I want to help her?  What would be the best and most genuine way for me to do that without resentment?  What is ‘mine to do’ in this situation? Etc. 

Or

I’m feeling disappointed that my spouse is disappointed in me.  Do I really want to stop going to the gym? Do I want to go at a different time? What else could be going on for her? Is there another way to handle this so that we can each meet our needs? Etc. 

I can’t wait to hear about what happens for you when you start distinguishing real guilt from fake guilt. And if you need help with it, I’d love to help you dive into what’s really going on.

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