Fyodor Dostoevsky in the book Crime and Punishment, writes “Don’t be overwise; fling yourself straight into life, without deliberation; don’t be afraid – the flood will bear you to the bank and set you safe on your feet again.” 

Sometimes I wish I was a ‘fling yourself straight into life!’ person.  Some of you reading this post are!  

Sadly, I am not. 

When I was a Junior in high school, back in the dark ages, we did not have a lot of Advanced Placement course offerings. In fact, back then there were only 4 exams taken for every 100 exams taken today. And in our school, to the best of my knowledge, the few AP courses we did have were offered only to seniors.

When the time came to register for my senior year, I decided to be brave and enroll in AP Calculus and AP English – and I did.  

The AP English teacher sent a letter home later that spring indicating that if we were taking his class that next autumn we would be required to do some reading over the summer. It was meant to weed us out – to help him figure out who was serious about this serious class and who wasn’t.  And gosh darn it, I was serious!

So, I bought the required SIX HUNDRED PAGE novel with the black and purple cover I had ordered from an actual bookstore – and I dug in. The book? Crime and Punishment.  

It was a tough read for me – it tested and tried my resolve.  I wrestled with the writing and the vocabulary and the depth of meaning.  I put it down.  I picked it back up.  I put it down again.  And again, I picked it back up.  It took weeks, but I did it!  I finished that 600 page doozy of a book.

And, right before school started, instead of ‘flinging myself straight into life’ like its author says, I deliberated.

Could I really handle AP Calculus AND AP English AND helping with our school’s restaurant program AND a school leadership position for my church? 

No, I decided. No, I could not.

So I dropped AP English. 

After reading that HUGE book.  After carting it around all summer.  After literally slogging through it! 

I’d love to tell you that if I had to do it over again I’d fling myself into that class.  But I think if I were talking to my 17-year-old self, I might tell her to make the same decision.  And I’d definitely tell her to still read Crime and Punishment. 

Here’s why.

The French sculptor Auguste Rodin taught, “Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely.” 

Dropping that class helped me to trust myself.  It was one of the first decisions I can remember making all by myself. 

It was a good decision for me. 

Dropping that class gave me more time – and more capacity – to dive into the other three things I listed: math, baking, and experience with being a leader.  I have relied on those skills time and time again. 

And reading that book helped me to fall in love with reading. 

Getting through that HUGE and important book gave my brain a sort of ‘permission’ – permission to have the confidence to read other huge and important books. Something else I have relied on.  

I’m not sure I would have learned that otherwise.  

Yes, I bailed on that class, but as Fyodor Dostoevsky also writes, “To go wrong in one’s own way is better than to go right in someone else’s.”

I can’t wait to hear about how you’re ‘going wrong’ in your own way and the experiences you are gaining in the process.  And if you need help trusting yourself with it, I’d love to help.  

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