I walked into a store the other day and saw a 30ish-year-old woman sitting on a bench, waiting.  She immediately smiled at me with recognition and said ‘Hello!!’.  I knew I knew her from someplace so I smiled and said “Hi!” back and then walked past.  Then I promptly wracked my brain for her name and some context – was she a parent? previous student? previous colleague? someone from the old neighborhood? someone from the new neighborhood? Ugh! I really didn’t know.  

As I was making my way up to the checkout counter I kicked myself a bit for not knowing.  I mostly do ok with my memory. Occasionally though, not being able to reach back into my brain for the correct name of a person I know for sure I know is something I get frustrated about.  

But maybe I don’t need to. 

I learned recently that we actually need to forget stuff.  

Devon Frye writes “Forgetting names, faces, or events is a universal human experience; even those who see their minds as steel traps struggle with memory lapses from time to time. Most consider these mental slip-ups to be annoyances at best—at worst, they’re seen as a potentially worrisome sign of cognitive decline.”

He goes on to quote new research about memory by Scott Small saying, “Creativity isn’t making something out of nothing. It’s making connections between already-known elements—ideas, words, visuals, or memes—to create something new. But to make new connections, the existing connections in your mind have to be loose. If the connections between those elements are too tightly bound in your memory, there’s no room for creativity.”

Basically, if we don’t get rid of some of our old memories, we can’t make room for the brain to ‘see’ things differently and make new, creative connections. And, in addition, Mr. Frye says “too much memory presents a challenge in any long-term relationship. Resentment, vindictiveness—they all come from not being able to let go of emotional memories. People who ruminate over anger or fear suffer, often in loneliness.”

He suggests two things we can do to clear out the clutter in our memories and make some room to loosen things in our brain: we can have great social connections, and we can sleep well.  

First, Connection. Without enough social connection and engagement, our brains get too filled with bad memories that take up too much space. “PTSD is actually a disorder of too much memory –  and one of the things that predisposes someone for PTSD after a traumatic event is social isolation.” Connection to others kicks out the bad memories.

Second, Sleep. Without enough good, quality sleep, our brains are not being trimmed of their too-full memory.  “The brain is like a lawn of grass—you need to keep it trimmed to make way for new memories, new connections, and new growth.”  Think of good sleep as your brain’s lawn mower. 

After I made my purchase in the store that day, I walked up to the woman on the bench and asked “Remind me how I know you?”  She did.  She was gracious and kind and said I’d helped her in high school almost 15 years ago.  As soon as she told me her name, Alyse, I remembered her and even remembered her brother.  I thanked her so much for reminding me and told her to tell her wife (also one of my previous students) and her brother hello for me.  I gave her a contact card so we could keep in touch.  

You can bet that I won’t forget her name if I ever run into her again.  

But I might forget yours! If I do, please know my brain is just making room for some more creativity. 

I can’t wait to hear about what you’re forgetting!

And if you’re stuck on how to keep your brain all loosened up, I’m here to help!