I recently had a chance to make a visit to The Metropolitan Museum of Art. Housed there is a Roman collection of marble statues, including the one pictured here of Hercules.  

I’m a little fascinated by Hercules. And not because of the Disney movie. I’m fascinated with him because among many things he’s known for, one of them is a decision – to choose a path of pleasure, or to choose a path of hardship.  

As I stood there, looking at Hercules carved in marble, I couldn’t help but think about that moment in his young life and that choice that defined him. One path was everything a person might want: luxury, comfort, and ease. The other promised challenge, even struggle, but with the reward of honor and purpose.

It’s a choice we all make in some way, big or small. We weigh our options, knowing that choosing one path means turning away from another, sometimes even one we still want. 

Nancy Colier talks about the fact that every choice we make has its limits. When we choose one thing, we’re naturally letting go of something else. And that’s not always easy. We sometimes forget to allow room to feel the loss that comes with choosing. 

Letting ourselves recognize and even mourn the path we’re not taking can bring real peace.

Letting ourselves recognize and even mourn the path. 

What does that look like?

Instead of ignoring the disappointment or the “what-ifs,” we can acknowledge that it’s okay to feel both happy for what we’ve chosen and a little wistful or sad for what we haven’t. 

“This [mourning] is different from rationalizing,” Deborah L. Cabaniss M.D. says. “Rationalization sounds like, ‘I didn’t really want to do that anyway,’ or ‘I never really wanted that.’ Remembering the fox who, unable to reach the grapes he wanted to eat, told himself, ‘They were probably sour anyway.’ We can call rationalizing the ‘sour grapes approach’ to choice.”

Her opinion is that we all rationalize when we make choices, convincing ourselves we didn’t really want the other option. But often, that’s not entirely true. Real choices come with a pull in both directions, which is why they’re hard to make in the first place. Big or small, there’s usually something we wanted in both paths.

True acceptance means recognizing we genuinely wanted that other option but choosing, consciously, to leave it behind for something that matters more. That’s the real choice.

Of course, this isn’t easy. It’s hard to turn down a weekend getaway with friends, even if we’re saving up for a bigger adventure. Or to skip an exciting event because we’ve promised that time to family. So instead of telling ourselves, “The timing wasn’t right,” or “I didn’t really want to go anyway,” we might say, “That trip sounded amazing, but I’m saving for the big one,” or, “I would’ve loved to go, but this time with my family matters more.”

Nancy Colier concludes, “When we’re willing to accept that life includes non-negotiable limitations, then, the value of the choices we make, the meaning in the path we do choose, increases exponentially. Recognizing and being honest about what we get, and with that, what we choose to give up, profoundly intensifies how much what we DO get actually matters to us.”

I can’t wait to hear about how the meaning in the things you’re choosing is increasing exponentially.  And if you need help seeing it, I’m your gal. 

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