In one of my latest deep dives, I learned that C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien were best friends! (Did everyone know that but me?) Together, they were members of a writing group called the Inklings, a tight-knit circle of intellectual friends – mostly Oxford University academics – who shared a love for narrative, Norse and Celtic mythology, theology, and the art of storytelling. 

On Thursday evenings these men would meet at Lewis’s college to share their chapters and endure peer review, and on Tuesdays for lunch these men would meet at a local pub to banter, debate politics and religion, and catch up on University gossip and happenings.

Tolkien spent 12 of these Inklings years meticulously pouring his life into The Lord of the Rings. 

Progress was famously slow because Tolkien was working full-time as an Oxford professor, fighting through periodic writer’s block, living through the disruptions of World War II (!!), and hand-drafting massive, meticulously detailed structural histories, maps, and entirely fictional languages.

He spent an additional 5 years heavily revising the text, constructing the comprehensive linguistic and historical appendices, and engaging in long publication negotiations.

17 years in total!

Meanwhile, C.S. Lewis “quickly” dashed out the full 7 books of The Chronicles of Narnia in just over 5 years. 

To Tolkien’s frustration, Lewis’s books became an instant, massive commercial success, while Tolkien was still stuck working through publication issues for his own chapters. To make matters worse, Tolkien openly disliked the Narnia books, thinking they were sloppy and rushed.

Their disagreements and friction could have been a breeding ground for a toxic friendship fallout. 

It is, after all, incredibly human to let professional jealousy, envy, and bitterness ruin a friendship when a peer finds easier success than you.

Tolkien probably wrestled with jealousy privately but, as far as it is documented, never let it turn into sabotage or public cruelty. 

At that point, he remained Lewis’s champion, and Lewis remained his. 

When Tolkien finally published The Lord of the Rings, Lewis used his own massive fame to write glowing reviews, calling it a masterpiece and helping ensure his best friend Tolkien got the recognition he deserved.

My guess is we have all experienced moments where a friend, coworker, or sibling seems to achieve success faster or easier than we do. 

It shows emotional maturity to say, “I am frustrated with my own progress, but I can still be genuinely happy for yours.”

According to Tracy S. Hutchinson, Ph. D., emotional maturity is, in essence, the ability to deal with reality. “Emotionally mature people are self-reflective, take responsibility for their actions, and have flexible and adaptable personality traits that help them navigate the world with minimal detrimental consequences.”

Years ago I learned about emotional maturity from Jody Moore. She attributes emotional maturity as our ability to focus. Focus on what?

Great question.

Emotionally mature people are able to focus on:

• What feels loving over what feels important.
  • “I bet my sister-in-law didn’t mean any harm. I know she loves me” over “I need to give her a piece of my mind! Nobody talks to me that way!”

• The solution over the problem. 
  • “What can we do to make this work with what we have right now?” over “Why does this always happen to us? It’s never going to work out.”

• The future over the past.
  • “There are so many possibilities ahead of me!” over “I wish I could go back and do things differently! My life would be so much better.”

• What you can control over what you can’t control. 
  • “I can step back and decide how I want to respond to this” over “He always does this! I need to make him understand why he’s wrong!”

• What you desire over what you lack.
  • “Someday, I’d love to have a house with a little more space” over “Everyone else seems to have a nicer house than we do. They don’t even deserve it.”

• Where you’re progressing over where you’re not progressing.
  • “I’ve been walking three times a week!” over “I’m still not exercising as much as I should. I’m so lazy.”

• What’s good over what’s wrong.
  • “We had such a fun weekend together!” over “I wish the weather had been better. It always rains on our vacations!”

• What you like over what you don’t like. 
  • “I really do work with some great people” over “My commute is the absolute worst! I can’t deal with this traffic!”

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I can’t wait to hear where you notice emotional maturity showing up in your own life this week. And if you could use some help applying some emotional maturity in a situation you’re in, I’d love to help. Even if it’s with a book you’ve been working on for 17 years.

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PS If you liked this post – or any others, I’d love you to pass me and my work on to a friend.  They can find out much more about me here if they’re interested!