One of my nieces has three beautiful children. Very early one morning, when the two oldest were 6 years old and 4 years old and the youngest was a newborn, my niece was woken up to the musical sounds of “Who Let the Dogs Out, Who? Who?” blaring from the downstairs family room. She went to investigate and found the two oldest children having a dance party with their toy disco ball and the song they had requested from Alexa. Oh, and one thing was missing. The 4 year old’s long beautiful hair.
When their mom asked them what was going on, Logan, the older brother, simply said “I asked Lila if I could cut her hair,” and Lila, the little sister, replied, “And I said yes.”
Turns out, even earlier that morning they had set up a makeshift hair salon – complete with kitchen scissors and Lila sitting in the newborn’s Bumbo chair. They cleaned the hair up so well that all evidence of the haircut was gone.
Now, if you’re expecting this to be a post about an angry mom or a sad little girl who lost her beautiful long hair, you are going to be surprised.
Lila was thrilled. Turns out she really wanted short hair – and she rocked it. This little salon visit with her stylist brother happened at the height of her soccer season and she was the fiercest 4 year old out there.
Lila is a ‘yes’ girl.
Wanna try tumbling? Yes!
Wanna try baseball? Yes!
How about Jiu JitSu? Yes, please!
She is the first one who wants to try something that might seem above her ability level.
She is one of my heroes.
Yeses are not my strong suit. But I can make a good argument for why yeses are good for us.
So can Dr. Clay Drinko, Ph. D.. He gives us four circumstances when a ‘Yes!’ makes sense. I’ve adapted his original words for our purposes.
1. To boost creativity.
Saying “yes” is part of what gives us creativity-boosting benefits because it helps us stay in ideation instead of evaluation. When we say ‘no’ to an idea, we’re evaluating it, thinking about why it won’t work. When we say ‘yes,’ we can quickly move on to other solutions or build on the idea at hand.
2. To reduce conflict.
“Yes, and” can also be a powerful negotiation strategy to de-escalate conflicts. We can de-escalate … impending drama by saying, “You’re right about (fill in the blank) and I can see how that bothers you. What in particular is upsetting you right now?” Just like saying “Yes, and” when we’re ideating, this moves us into the creative, problem-solving zone where it’s possible to find a middle ground and devise novel solutions to conflict.
3. To build rapport.
People love to feel seen, heard, and understood, and “Yes, and” is a fantastic tool to demonstrate that you’re doing all of the above.
Dr. Drinko references John Gottman’s research that shows that
“couples who accept each other’s bids are more successful and have more longevity than couples who turn away from bids to connect. And accepting bids is all about ‘Yes, and-ing.’
When my spouse tells me that work was hard today, I accept the bid by saying, ‘I’m sorry to hear that. What happened?’
When my daughter starts crying, I ‘Yes, and’ when I let her be sad and comfort her.
Or when my boss tells me they think I could be doing a better job, I ‘Yes, and’ when I ask for more details and keep my boss talking about how I can improve.
‘Yes, and’ keeps the conversation about whatever the initiation was—the tough day at work, the tears, or the critical feedback—while ‘no’ can make the person you’re talking to feel like you’re not even listening.”
4. To step out of your comfort zone.
Finally, he says, “‘Yes, and’ is a great tool to embrace uncertainty and take risks. Tina Fey describes this kind of ‘Yes, and-ing’ in her book Bossypants. She said ‘yes’ to the SNL job offer that felt out of her league, and that choice led her to a wild and very successful career.
‘No’ keeps you safe, and ‘yes’ can lead to adventure.”
Or a really chic haircut. Just ask Lila.
I can’t wait to hear about your wild yeses. And if you need help with making sense of any of them, I’m here to help.
PS Yes, this is the actual picture from that morning. No, the kids weren’t shamed for their morning salon adventure. They just won’t be using the kitchen scissors without supervision any time soon.
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