I was recently working with a client about a relationship he was ending. In dissecting the unraveling of it all, we ended up discussing how interesting it is to watch where people direct their anger and frustration.
I related it to a situation I witnessed recently.
Darren and I were in the lobby of a fast food restaurant waiting for our food to come to the counter. And waiting. And waiting. We were in the room with only 2 other (increasingly disgruntled) folks.
Did I mention we were waiting?
Something you might not know about Darren is that he really, really doesn’t like unnecessary waiting. It is for sure in the top 3 on his list of things he can do without. (Right next to Taylor Swift and room temperature water – stories for another day.)
Anyway, FINALLY, after at least 20 minutes our food came out.
Knowing his dislike for unnecessary waiting and having just watched his frustration level rise as the minutes had ticked by, I kind of expected him to say something about it to the young gal that delivered our meal.
He didn’t. He just said “Thank you.”
When we got out to the car and I asked him why he hadn’t, he said, “I’m not going to get mad at the 16 year old making minimum wage. It’s not her fault. If I said anything, it would be to the manager who should know better. If I’m still mad later, I’ll email them.”
Robert Porter says “Anger is a natural and normal emotion, but when it’s directed toward the wrong person or source, it can cause all sorts of problems. In society, this type of anger is often referred to as ‘misplaced anger,’ … the [more] correct terms are ‘displaced anger’ or ‘misdirected anger.’
There’s nothing inherently wrong with experiencing anger, but it’s important to ensure that anger is directed toward the appropriate source at the appropriate level, so you can express it and resolve it appropriately. In many cases, relationships, opportunities, and even lives have been [affected] because of misdirected anger.”
A typical negative reaction pattern, according to Helen Brown, Ph. D., is to: react (e.g., shout at someone), retreat (remove ourself from the situation or be removed), and then rethink (go over our actions and what we could have done differently) after the damage is done.
To disrupt this negative cycle, most of us know we need to shift this habitual reaction: First retreat to a mental space, then rethink the event, and finally respond more thoughtfully.
Retreat, rethink, respond.
Darren never did send the email. And we haven’t been back to that location. I’m guessing he hasn’t even thought about it. But I know him. And if he’d responded in anger to that teenage employee, he would have ended up being hard on himself – and that event definitely would have been more difficult for him to move past.
I can’t wait to hear about who you’re not yelling at.
And if you need some help with the rethinking part, I’m here to help!
