When I was in junior high, I had a period of several weeks where I couldn’t sleep.  I could probably dive back into my journals from that time to figure out what was going on, but my now much older self doesn’t remember the details.  

What I do remember is that I would go find my mom.  She was a night owl out of necessity – and was usually up sweeping or paying bills or folding laundry or one of a hundred other chores of which I am certain I was not appropriately appreciative at the time.  My point is, she was awake.  I’m sure I was what I would now term a hot mess when I stumbled upstairs and found her in the wee hours of the night. And when I explained to her what was going on, I’m sure I was absolutely certain that I would never sleep again.  

Forty years ago, I didn’t have the vocabulary to say “Mom, I’m feeling anxious and can’t sleep.”  And forty years ago, she didn’t have the internet to tell her what to do with adolescent anxiety.  

She could have dismissed me and told me to just go back to bed.  She could have freaked out and worried with me, assuring herself that something had gone terribly wrong in my 13 year old life.  

She did neither.  

She simply said “I’m sorry you can’t sleep. Things always look darker at night.  Go back to bed and if you’re still awake in 20 minutes you can come find me and we’ll figure out what to do together.”

The dictionary defines relief as “a feeling of reassurance and relaxation following release from anxiety or distress.”

What my mom so smartly offered was RELIEF.  Turns out she was way ahead of her time.  

There is some recent data showing that “children who attempt to relieve their fear and distress through avoidance or safety behaviors may become stuck in a cycle of momentary relief followed by increasing levels of anxiety, distress, and subsequent avoidance.” (Ludwig, 2015).  And in my experience there is a lot of truth to that – if you always get a child out of the situation she doesn’t want to be in, she is no closer to handling that situation.

But my mom’s offer of relief was not a safety behavior to get me out of discomfort.  It was a solution I could give my brain.  I still had to be uncomfortable and try to sleep – but now I could tell my brain that IF those 20 minutes passed, I had someone to help me figure out what was next.  And that relief? Knowing she was awake and was in this with me? Well, that was enough to let my brain actually sleep.  

Those few weeks passed and most of the time now, thankfully, I can sleep.  I still employ her technique of relief when I need it.  I tell my brain, “Things are always darker at night.  If you’re still awake in 20 minutes, we’ll figure out what to do.”  And we do. My brain and I always do. 

I can’t wait to hear about the ways you’re finding and offering relief.  

Thank you so much for reading.