Those of you that know me well know that popcorn is one of my favorite food groups. It’s the entire reason that movies in theaters still exist. At least for me.

Popcorn is kind of fascinating. It’s bred for two very specific traits: a hard, moisture-sealed outer hull and a precise moisture balance inside the starchy center.

That moisture level is everything.
Too dry and it won’t pop.
Too wet and it bursts unevenly.

Each kernel holds just the right amount of trapped water inside its sealed shell. When heated enough to reach its activation energy – the wall it has to jump over – it ruptures and expands.

On low heat, very little happens. Increase it just enough, and suddenly everything changes at once.

When the right heat is applied, it activates what is already built into the kernels.

Fascinating.

We’re humans. And we like to control things.

Sometimes (a-hem…) we assume we know what would make the people in our lives happy. We think we could get them to change or see the error of their ways or agree with us if they would only listen.

We want them to: 

• Immediately understand
• Immediately agree
• Immediately be remorseful
• Immediately change

And if we could just have the perfect conversation, we could get them to “Pop.” We could give them the “oomph” they need to get over the wall.

What popcorn teaches us is this:

Under the right conditions, most kernels will pop.

But some kernels pop early.
Some pop late.
And some never pop.

If we try to force it – shake it wildly, poke at the hull, crank the heat too high or too quickly — we ruin it with attack or shame or pressure.

We cannot force someone open from the outside. Real change requires internal pressure.

With popcorn, we are in charge of exactly one thing: the regulation of the heat. 

And the only thing heat can do is create conditions.

If we’re making popcorn and increase the heat slightly, we don’t just get one extra piece. Because of the way activation energy works, a small increase in heat allows many more kernels to cross the threshold at the same time.

So what is the “heat” we control?

In a challenging conversation, heat is new information:

• honest feedback from our point of view
• clarity we’ve figured out or noticed
• naming what’s true for us

In my coaching practice, one of the core principles I teach is that the only reason to have a hard conversation is if we have new information to offer – or if we genuinely want new information in return.

That’s it.

We don’t control the pop.
We don’t control timing.
We don’t control readiness or change.
We don’t control what someone does with what we share.

We can offer “heat.”

So maybe before you have that next hard conversation, ask yourself:

• Do I actually have new information to share?
• Am I willing to hear something new in return?

If the answer is no, you might not need the conversation – yet.

I can’t wait to hear what new information you’re ready to share in your most challenging conversations. And if you’d like to practice saying it out loud, I’m here. I’ll bring the (buttered, of course) popcorn.

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PS If you liked this post – or any others, I’d love you to pass me and my work on to a friend.  They can find out much more about me here if they’re interested!