50 years ago I was a little 5-year-old all set to go to kindergarten in my suburban Minneapolis neighborhood.
My mom told me recently she was surprised by how brave I was about going to school. She did not know back then how much school would be a part of my life, but she did know back then that I was the child most attached to her apron strings.
Our elementary school was through the block from our house and it was new and beautiful and, in proper Minnesota fashion, named after a famous Swede.
My older sisters were all in upper grades that year and would be leaving for school in the mornings before me.
Mom was eight and a half months pregnant with one of my little sisters, and two of my brothers were both toddlers under the age of four.
If it isn’t obvious, I would be walking around the corner to kindergarten solo.
Now, I don’t remember being afraid (although I’d bet you a hamburger that I was) but I DO remember getting there that first day and not being able to open the heavy triple-paned glass door that led into the school.
Picture, if you will, little 5-year-old Sally – in my “I am so excited to go to school” clothes – standing outside the door to the school, in tears.
I suppose someone saw me and let me in, but, if you know me now, you know all it takes is for something scary to actually HAPPEN for me to then be 10x as afraid of it.
I hadn’t even thought to be scared of opening the door and now I couldn’t stop being afraid of it.
I went home that day and (I’m sure, tearfully) told my VERY pregnant mom that this school thing was going to be a problem. I COULD NOT OPEN THE DOOR.
I have heard it taught that when we realize something is going on with our kids (we get bad news about them, or we think they’re making bad choices, or we are seeing negative circumstances, etc.) there are three steps our brain might take us through.
First, we Feel. We feel sad that they’re facing this hard thing, or disappointed that things aren’t turning out how we thought they would, or worried about what this means for their future, or shocked that this thing is happening, or afraid of what it will do to them, and on and on and on.
Second, we Freak Out. We get SUPER sad or SUPER worried or SUPER upset. We might yell or scream. We might talk about it with everyone we know. We might get lots of validation for going through something so hard. We might let this ‘thing’ be the main character of our story. We might even let it be the headline we lead with. We Freak Out.
Third, we hopefully Get to Work. We focus on solving the problem. We ask What can I do? Who do I want to be? What now? What next? What can I control or what can’t I control? How can I let go of the things I can’t control? Where can I blend in just a little bit of hope?
In most cases, we need that first part. We want to feel a little sad or disappointed or worried or shocked or afraid. At first.
But A LOT of us stay in the freak out part for a really LONG time. Sometimes so long, in fact, that we forget there even is a problem-solving part to get to!
I have a mom who doesn’t stay in the first part long and most of the time skips the second part altogether.
And that’s the good news here! That second part? The freak out part? It is completely optional!
That first day of kindergarten, when I spoke to her, crying and clearly upset, my mom got to work solving the problem of SALLY CAN’T OPEN THE DOOR.
She called our next door neighbor, Kay, to ask if her little 5-year-old son, Bobby, had had any trouble that day opening the door to school.
Turns out, he was happy to walk with me and make sure my doors were opened.
School became less scary again.
The next year, I got to walk with my sister – and I could open my own doors.
I can’t wait to hear about the big and small ways you’re figuring out how not to freak out. And if you need help with that part, I’m here!
*****BACK TO SCHOOL BONUS! For all of you with teenagers, or for all of you that know people with teenagers, I have a freebie for you. I created a list for one of my high school age clients of my very best tips for having a successful school year. If you want it, I’ll put the link below. You get it first because you are actually reading this blog! I really appreciate it.
