I know.

I’m sick of hearing the phrase “Quit ‘should-ing’ on yourself”, too.  

But hear me out. 

Just this week, I counted at least ten times my actual clients said these actual words in their actual work with me.

• “I should have said no”
• “I should just enjoy the moment”
• “I should be managing my time better”
• “I should create more boundaries”
• “I shouldn’t feel so out of control”
• “I should be honoring myself”
• “I should show up in the right way for everyone”
• “I should be different”
• “I shouldn’t have done that”
• “I should be able to do this”

Nancy Colier says “We have been taught, mistakenly, that if we don’t ‘should’ ourselves into action, we will become like those giant sloths that hang on trees—inert. And worse, if we don’t ‘should’ ourselves into being good, we won’t be good! If not controlled, we would be unkind, ungrateful, un-generous, unproductive and every other “un” you can think of. [And all of this] actually strengthens our belief that—left to our own devices—we cannot be trusted.”

She goes on to say “Because so much of our behavior is driven by ‘should,’ we are losing our ability to distinguish what we really ‘want.’ We have been taught what we ‘should’ want, but no longer know what we actually want, and often confuse the two. Out of touch with our own ‘wanting,’ we have lost a sense of intimacy with ourselves. We know who we are supposed to be, but not who we are.”

Fascinating. 

It stands to reason, then, that what we need is NOT to change our behavior to align with the ‘should’ but to change our thought to align with what we want.  

For example, 

“I should exercise” could be “I really like how I feel after I exercise.”  

“I should clean the kitchen” could be “I want to go to bed knowing the kitchen is clean.”

Those feel better, right?

Let’s take those ten statements from above and get rid of the ‘shoulds’. 

• “I should have said no” becomes “I’m working on being someone who says yes for the right reasons.”
• “I should just enjoy the moment” becomes “I want to be present for myself – whatever that looks like.” 
• “I should be managing my time better” becomes “I like how I  feel when I do what I say I’m going to do.”
• “I should create more boundaries” becomes “I want to keep myself safe.”
• “I shouldn’t feel so out of control” becomes “I feel my best when I’m a little less overwhelmed.”
• “I should be honoring myself” becomes “I like learning how to treat myself more kindly.”
• “I should show up in the right way for everyone” becomes “It’s important to me to show up for the people I care about, and I get to decide how.”
• “I should be different” becomes “I’m working on liking who I am.”
• “I shouldn’t have done that” becomes “I like how I feel when I act in integrity with myself.”
• “I should be able to do this” becomes “I want to keep trying until I do it.”

I think you’ll agree that already those feel lighter. 

“When we stop telling ourselves that we ‘should’ be good, it turns out that much to our surprise, we are good. Our natural instinct is, in fact, to be compassionate and kind; being good simply feels good. When we stop forcing ourselves to be good (in order to check it off our ‘should-do’ list), and instead, allow our inherent goodness to lead us into action, we feel nourished and full, simultaneously receiving the goodness that we offer. 

Goodness that emanates from ‘want’ feels radically different (and better) than goodness that comes from ‘should.’”

I can’t wait to hear about the ways you are replacing your ‘shoulds’ with wants – and getting to know yourself in the process.  

And if you need help, I’m your gal. You ‘should’ let me try. (Kidding!) Only if you want me to.