One of my very favorite songs in the whole wide world is filled with reflective lyrics about someone who has let the love of his life slip out of his hands. And now he spends his time thinking of all the ‘if only’ scenarios that he thinks could have preserved their love. Regretting.
“… I’d have fought the world for you
If I thought that you wanted me to
Or put aside what was true or untrue
If I’d know that’s what you needed
… me to do
But the moment has passed by me now
To have put away my pride
And just come through for you somehow…..”
Shai Davidai is a researcher at the Columbia Business School who examines people’s everyday judgments of themselves.
In an interview last year he said that there are two types of regret:
1. Action regret – the things we have done, the things we have said. This type of regret typically produces anxiety and guilt, yes. But it can be used as a call to action. It can lead us to do something!
For example, “I did this thing (or said this thing) and I wish I’d done it differently (or said it differently) and next time I’m going to do it better!
2. Inaction regret – the things we have failed to do, the things we failed to have said. This type of regret can induce depression and sadness. It is typically not a prompt to step up and do or change the situation and, because of this, it’s the most enduring kind of regret.
For example, “I wish I’d moved to this place or I should have pursued this relationship or this degree or this path… and I didn’t,” etc.
The “action” kind of regret is super painful initially, but typically we can deal with it quickly and, if we’re in a healthy state of mind, take it as a learning opportunity.
The “inaction” kind of regret is not as painful at first, but can linger and linger and linger …. and linger, as evidenced in the rest of the lyrics from that song I mentioned…
“You’re the color of the sky
Reflected in each store-front window pane
You’re the whispering and the sighing of my tires in the rain
You’re the hidden cost and the thing that’s lost
In everything I do
Yeah and I’ll never stop looking for you
In the sunlight and the shadows
And the faces on the avenue
That’s the way love is….
Sky blue and black…”
Mr. Davidai insightfully tells us that regret is an emotion that is a time machine.
It is something about the past that we feel in the present that is there to guide our future.
He theorizs that the emotion of regret evolved in our species for that purpose.
He suggests we stop thinking about regret as a negative and dysfunctional emotion.
And we start thinking about it as a positive, albeit uncomfortable, but very functional emotion.
“What have I learned from that regret that can help me move my IDEAL self forward right now, in the present?”
“I can’t change what I did or didn’t do, but I CAN change how I act in the future.”
What a relief.
I can’t wait to hear about how you’re using regret as a functional emotion. And if you need help with it, I’m your gal. Let’s figure out how to use your regrets in your favor.
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**Lyrics from: Sky Blue and Black by Jackson Browne
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