Sometimes, when a client is so frustrated with someone in their life that they practically want to poke their own eyes out, I ask them to pause and do something that, at first, sounds really, really hard.  

I ask them to give that person a little sincere, authentic praise.   

They don’t want to.  They say they have nothing nice to say.  They say any compliment would mean that person is ‘getting away with something’. They say it feels forced.

And all of that might be true, but there’s a reason the old adage “You can catch more bees with honey than with vinegar” stands the test of time! 

Lillian Moore shared a quick story in Reader’s Digest that reveals what really motivates the people in our lives – even the ones we’re frustrated by – to be better:

“A few months after my husband and I moved to a small Massachusetts town I grumbled to a resident about the poor service at the library, hoping she would repeat my complaints to the librarian. The next time I went to the library, the librarian had set aside two bestsellers for me and a new biography for my husband. What’s more, she appeared to be genuinely glad to see me.

Later I reported the miraculous change to my friend. ‘I suppose you told her how poor we thought the service was?’ I asked.

‘No,’ she confessed. ‘In fact—I hope you don’t mind—I told her your husband was amazed at the way she had built up this small town library, and that you thought she showed unusually good taste in the new books she ordered.’ “

Now, I don’t suggest lying in order to give praise, but I do suggest that praise can work wonders – for the giver AND the receiver. 

The trick is, it has to be the right kind of praise. 

There are 3 research-based strategies offered by the folks at GoZen! that might help to encourage and motivate those we love and care about. 

1. Praise the process, not the person.

What does this look like? Great question. 

• It looks like praising the strategy  (i.e. “You found a really good way to do talk about that, thank you” or “I love how you choose to handle that situation”)
• It looks like praising with specificity (i.e. “I really appreciate how you were able to figure out that mess with the airline on our trip” or “It looks like you really understand that concept you’ve been studying for your presentation, I’m impressed!” )
• It looks like praising effort (i.e. “I can tell you’ve been really working on this” or “It looks like your effort is paying off!”)

1. Keep it real: Don’t say “Good Job” where it’s not.

This is the sincere part. 

• “One of the biggest mistakes we can make … is assuming that [people] aren’t sophisticated enough to sense the intentions behind our praise. You might think that you’re encouraging [someone] by praising poor performance, but as it turns out, [people] may actually perceive inauthentic praise as a sign of failure.  Offer authentic praise for real achievements.”
• When we’re mad or frustrated or resentful, that kind of authenticity may be hard to find.  But it’s key.

1. Stop praising altogether.

When praise feels forced or when we can’t quite get to authenticity around it, try observing or commenting instead.  This can help acknowledge effort and encourage pride. What does that look like?

• Make a simple, evaluation-free statement (i.e. “You did it! Congratulations!” or “Your presentation’s over, how do you feel?”)
• Give feedback, not judgment, on what you observe (i.e. “You seemed really patient on the phone today” or “It looks like you finished your project, are you happy with it?”)

Authentic praise or encouragement or feedback may motivate those you love to act a little more like you’d prefer, yes.  Just like with the librarian, I hope it does!

But the best part about it?  YOU get to feel like someone who sincerely praises.  And YOU get to act like it. And that feels SO much better than being someone who is mad, frustrated, or resentful.  

I promise. 

I can’t wait to hear about the ways you are offering precise praise to those you love and care about. I bet you’re really good at it!  And if you need ideas for doing it authentically, I’d love to help.  

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