I have 30 nieces and nephews on my side of the family. They come in all shapes and have beliefs of all sizes and they are some of the very best people I know.
One night years and years ago, my sister’s (then) husband called her to tell her that their 12 year old oldest daughter, who was supposed to be at a friend’s house, had been spotted at their local grocery store with a group of (supposedly just as disobedient!) children.
I was half-way into my career working with kids who struggled at the time, and for sure thought I knew A LOT more than I did.
The incident stands out because my sister and I were discussing how she should ‘handle’ it.
One thing I am one hundred percent sure of is that she and I would one hundred percent handle it differently, today.
But we did come up with something I have kept all these years.
Start with the lie. Start. With. The. Lie.
Angus Whyte says there are 6 reasons teenagers (and people in general, for that matter!) lie to us.
- To avoid getting in trouble
- To avoid embarrassment
- To protect or defend someone
- To cover up emotions
- To make themselves look better
- To establish autonomy
Our kids, spouses, co-workers, and friends will lie – and most likely, will lie to us. Maybe not all the time and maybe not for any of the reasons we used to think.
Our temptation is to ‘catch’ them in the lie. Mr. Whyte points out that the “irony here is that catching them in the lie requires some level of dishonesty on the part of the person doing the catching. You have to feign ignorance, elicit a false answer, and then admit that you knew the truth all along.”
Not only that, but now you have what actually happened AND the lie to deal with.
So, what did my sister decide to do about her not-even-really delinquent daughter?
She calmly started with the lie.
“Some friends of mine and dad’s saw you at Smith’s tonight. You told us you were staying at Mary Jane’s. What happened? Let’s talk about it.”
That sweet niece is now (the best) momma to (almost) three kids of her own. I called her the other day to ask if I could write this story. We laughed. I love her.
I can’t wait to see what lies her own kids tell her.
And I can’t wait to hear about the ways you are starting with the lie.
If you need help in ‘handling’ it, I’m here for you.
