The deck we don’t use.
Last year we redid our deck.
It had been built with basic builder’s grade wood – nothing fancy, and never meant to last. It didn’t hold paint well, it needed constant maintenance, and no matter how many times we power-washed or re-stained, it still looked tired.
So we made a plan. We picked a more durable material. We upgraded to a custom railing. We chose a clean, simple design that would require less upkeep and offer a little more polish.
And it turned out beautiful.
It’s a nice space. It looks great from the kitchen. It has good light, good lines, and just enough room for company.
When the project was finished, it felt like the right kind of upgrade – something we’d be so glad to have.
But the thing is… I hardly ever use it.
It’s not a problem, exactly. Nothing’s wrong with it.
It just doesn’t quite work – not the way I hoped it would.
Maybe it’s the setup.
The deck’s on the north side of the house. It doesn’t get much sun. It’s a little more visible to the neighbors than I realized. The furniture is just ok.
I keep wondering what’s missing – comfort? shade? a little more privacy? Something’s just not inviting me in.
I sometimes wonder if I’m just not as much of a deck person as I thought I was.
Maybe I just haven’t figured out how to settle into something that doesn’t feel like I imagined.
Whatever it is, my brain tries to make it mean something about me. I’m obviously doing something wrong.
Psychologist and behavioral scientist Katy Milkman calls this the “attribution trap.” In her book How to Change, she writes: “We’re very good at blaming ourselves for what we see as inconsistency, when often the real issue is friction in our environment.”
We think we need to change ourselves, but what we might need is a screen. Or a better chair. Or a shift in perspective about how we expected something to feel.
I notice this phenomenon often in coaching – clients get frustrated that they’re not doing something they think they should want to do.
Instead of asking “What’s wrong with me?”, maybe we can learn to ask:
“What’s not aligned in the setup?”
So, in that spirit, here are a few things to try when the setup – in your routine, your relationships, your stage of life – is just not working:
- Look for friction.
What feels off, forced, or heavier than it needs to be?
Try to name the parts that create tension – not the whole thing, just the pieces that don’t sit right.
Tension points, awkward interactions, clunky systems, weird rhythms, energy drains – any of those might be clues.
- Check for missing support.
Is there something this setup needs in order to work better? What kind of reinforcement can you add? More structure? More quiet? A clearer signal? Sometimes the absence is the thing to notice.
It could be communication, rest, clarity, autonomy, boundaries, tools, shared understanding, or even just someone else in the same stage saying, “me too.”
- Give it a second look.
Let it sit. Come back later. Try again without the pressure. Clarity, unfortunately, doesn’t always show up on the first try.
Sometimes it takes a second pass – after a tough conversation, a new routine, a job change, a shift at home, or a week of teenage whining’ – to really see what’s not working.
- Adjust one element.
Rearrange the layout. Or change the timing. Or add a buffer. Or remove the thing that’s always in the way.
A single shift can change how the whole setup feels.
Try changing something that’s already in the mix – the pacing, the tone, the order, the pressure – just enough to see if the experience shifts.
Look for friction.
Check for missing support.
Give it a second look.
Adjust one element.
We don’t have to bulldoze everything.
Sometimes we just need to scoot the chair, plant a little shade, or admit that a north-facing deck isn’t actually the best place to spend a chilly Saturday morning.
I can’t wait to hear what setups in your life might just need a little redesign.
And if you’re sorting through what’s getting in the way, I’d love to help you take a second look.
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