In the 5 years before Darren and I got married, I made only a couple trips a year out of my home state. Mostly to visit family. Mostly with my sisters.
Which meant I had a lot of chances on those trips to talk with a lot of people I know really, really well.
In the 5 years since I’ve been married to Darren, I’ve taken 49 trips out of my home state. And all but four of them have been with him. That makes 45 trips with me and my very Enneagram 5 husband, who, as fate would have it, very much enjoys time with me, yes – but also very much values our opportunity to be individuals and have independent time.
Which means I have a lot of chances to talk with a lot of people I do not know well at all.
Michael Thompson is a storyteller coach who recently wrote about turning strangers into friends.
I am adapting his idea into some steps for us – and challenging you (and me!) to use them to turn strangers into people with whom we can be genuinely friendly.
We sometimes forget as adults that new friends can bring a lot of variety, depth, and discovery into our busy, routine-oriented lives. And, maybe it’s just me, but I’m feeling like right now especially, it couldn’t hurt!
Rick Hanson, Ph. D., reminds us to, “think about a time when someone was friendly to you—maybe drawing you into a gathering, saying hello on the sidewalk, or smiling from across the room. How did that make you feel? Probably more included, comfortable, and at ease; safer; more open and warm-hearted.
When you are friendly to others, you offer them these same benefits. Plus, you get rewarded yourself. Being friendly feels confident and happy, with a positive take on other people, moving toward the world instead of backing away from it. And it encourages others to be less guarded or reactive with you…”
Begin by identifying people who look open to engaging with you (or people who are paid to talk to you!)
For example:
- Grocery store workers
- Hotel staff
- Uber and Lyft drivers
- Nail technicians
- Baristas
- Shop assistants
- etc.
Aim for a quick, upbeat conversation.
Mr. Thompson says, “the goal of getting the conversation going is to allow people time to get a gauge on you by making your introductory remarks easy to catch.”
Ask a GTKY (Get To Know You) question.
For example:
- What brought you to this job?
- Where do you call home?
- What do you spend your down time doing?
- Etc.
(Try to) be the best listener in the room by always asking a follow up question.
Some real life examples I’ve used lately:
- What do you miss most about Wisconsin?
- Did you always want to be a hygienist? What else was on the list?
- That’s so interesting. What else did your mom teach you about that?
Thank them for the interaction and use their name, if possible. Calling each other by name can help put us more firmly on the path to friendship.
- Engage
- Be quick
- Ask a question
- Listen
- Ask one more
- Use names
I can’t wait to hear about how you’re pushing your own capacity for friendliness to add variety, depth, and discovery into your life. And if you need help with any of it, I’d love to be your coach.
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