I may have mentioned a few times on this blog that I am what my parents used to term a ‘worry wart’.  Blame it on my Enneagram 6 personality or the fact that I was sandwiched between two risk-taking siblings or blame it on my worrier Grandma, Bessie, but …… I worry. (“Hello, my name is Sally, and I’m a worrier.”)

So you can imagine that flying is not my favorite thing.

I do it, but reluctantly.  And only because I like that it gets me to my destination quickly. 

I squeeze Darren’s hand tightly on take-off and landing and when he’s not on the plane with me, I tightly squeeze my own hands.  

Darren and I were on a flight this week that, on its descent, was much bumpier than usual – and he could see me close my eyes and intentionally steady my breathing. 

He leaned over, grabbed my hand, and whispered in my ear, “It’s normal for there to be more turbulence when it’s really hot outside.”

And just like that, I had a useful place to direct my brain to – “It’s normal.”

With that short whisper, Darren let me know he saw me.  In a very Darren way, he validated my emotional response to the turbulence – worry.  

Pamela Li says that “emotional validation is the act of tuning in, acknowledging, and accepting another person’s feelings, even if they’re negative. It involves listening to others express their emotions without ignoring, dismissing, belittling, rejecting, or judging them – even if you do not agree with their emotional response. 

It is one of THE most valuable … relationship skills.”

She gives several examples of ways we all could validate each other’s emotions (or our own!).  Here are 20 we could use to practice. 

1. I can see why you are upset.
2. That must be hard.
3. That must be frustrating.
4. That is so sad.
5. What a yucky day for you!
6. Tell me what happened.
7. It makes sense that you feel uncomfortable.
8. It sounds like it means a lot to you.
9. I know it must really hurt. Do you want a hug?
10. I bet I would feel bad in that situation, too.
11. Gosh, I think I’d feel that way, too.
12. Your feelings are valid.
13. There are no wrong feelings.
14. I’m sorry that it hurt you.
15. It’s normal to feel that way.
16. I’m so glad you’re ok.
17. Thank you for sharing your feelings with me.
18. I’m so sorry.
19. It is ok to cry. Don’t feel bad about it.
20. It’s not wrong to feel that way.

To show the difference, here are 20 examples of emotional invalidation:

(adapted from Brittany Caccio)

1. It could be worse
2. You’re too sensitive
3. You’re overreacting
4. Don’t worry about it
5. You shouldn’t feel that way
6. I know exactly how you feel
7. Just let it go
8. You take everything so personally!
9. You’re making a big deal out of nothing
10. I don’t see the problem here
11. You shouldn’t be so______________
12. How do you think that makes ME feel?
13. I don’t want to have this conversation
14. Stop making things up
15. That didn’t happen
16. You shouldn’t feel that way
17. I’m sorry you feel that way, but……..
18. So and so has it worse than you!
19. You always let your emotions get in the way
20. I don’t understand you at all

I can’t wait to hear how you’re practicing some emotional validation when emotions around you – and especially within you! – get bumpy (get it?).  And if you need suggestions…. you know where to find me!  I would love to help.  

PS As for the truth about there being more turbulence when it’s hot outside?  I looked it up. 

Darren was not just feeding me a line. 

Mark Prosser says that warmer air temperatures from higher carbon dioxide concentrations drive stronger wind shear – vertical or horizontal changes in wind speed or direction or both – over a short distance. That change in shear leads to increased turbulence. 

Good to know!!

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