One of the things I hear most consistently from clients is a phrase so many of us use all the time.  It’s the phrase … “which is fine…..”   

Saying it seems innocuous enough, and I bet most of us think we even mean it.   

Let me give you some (anonymous but not made up) examples.

“He didn’t tell me he was going, which is fine, but he could have at least….”

“She doesn’t want to use those flowers for the centerpieces, which is fine, I just wish….”

“My boss scheduled the meeting later, which is fine, but she didn’t even…..”

We preface the “problem” with that phrase for a good reason.  

“Which is fine….” helps us soften the blow of what we’re really feeling.  Fascinating right?

Jill P. Weber, Ph. D., says, “A tremendous amount of relationship distress can be attributed to one meaningful factor: not sharing true feelings, particularly when they may bring conflict, with the people you care about.”

She goes on to share 5 reasons we don’t say what we’re actually feeling.  These are her explanations.

1. “It will make matters worse.” 

It’s true that at first expressing difficult emotions or thoughts can cause conflict, but by and large, it is also what creates intimacy and deeper connection. Each time you feel heard and you hear out someone else, a tighter bond, intimacy, and safety is sewed into the fabric of your attachment. And too, if you don’t express how you really feel, these emotions may surface in unhealthy ways, such as acting out, passive-aggressive behavior, avoidance.

2. “I’ll seem needy.” 

The idea that if we’re deemed needy if we express unmet needs or messy emotions holds many people back. There is a way to communicate without burdening another person—“I’d like to share with you some difficult emotions I am having and see if we can talk it through a bit” is different from a screaming, crying panic. In fact, it’s quite the opposite: You’re more likely to have an emotional breakdown if you keep suppressing emotion. All of that unaddressed emotion is going to come out at some point, and then it may be hard for others to understand why you are so upset.

3. “I’ll stress the person out.” 

When we don’t have … discussions about our relationships then unaddressed hurt mounts and eventually people end up pulling away or going through the motions with no real connection. It’s okay to have some stress and frustration—this is how relationships and people grow.

4. “They won’t get it.” 

Expressing what needs to be said is more for you than the other person. You can’t control how they react but if you express yourself respectfully, you will experience the benefits. You come to better understand yourself and to value yourself. Expressing your authentic feelings also provides an opportunity to see how people handle these more complicated discussions and if they can be a healthy attachment for you in the long run.

5. “My feelings are wrong.” 

Right when it comes time to express your feelings, you may doubt yourself and your experience, thinking, “Maybe I’m not being fair,” or “This is just how I see things but they have their point of view and maybe my point of view is wrong.” These kinds of thoughts may stop you from having the confidence to express yourself. The whole point of expression though isn’t to prove a case and to be right. It’s to be emotionally honest with your people and to also hear them out. In that process, you may change your perspective and hopefully feel better, but it’s the process of being vulnerable and hearing one another out that brings people closer, not proving or disproving the facts.

In our examples, being vulnerable sounds like:

“You didn’t tell me you were going, and I’m kind of sad about that.  My brain wishes you would have…”

“You didn’t want to use those flowers for the centerpieces, and I’m a little disappointed about that. My brain thinks you should …”

“You scheduled the meeting later, and I’m noticing how frustrated I feel.  My brain tells me you’re …..”

I can’t wait to hear about how you’re replacing “which is fine…” with what you REALLY feel.  And about how your relationships grow in the process.  And if you need assistance with any of it, I’d love to help. 

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