“You’re not the boss of me!”
Darren loves to use this phrase (facetiously) whenever I remind him of something or tell him about something that (I think) might make his life a tiny bit easier.
Me – “Your water is on the nightstand by the bed.”
Him – “You’re not the boss of me!”
Me – “Just reminding you that we have reservations at 5:00.”
Him – “You’re not the boss of me.”
Me – “Your boarding pass is on our text stream.”
Him – “You’re not the boss of me!!”
He knows it makes me laugh.
And the reason that phrase is funny is that we both remember saying it to our older siblings when we were younger. Back then it sure did not feel great when they tried to tell us what to do.
Turns out, it still doesn’t.
Seth Gillihan, Ph. D., gives 6 reasons why we don’t like being told what to do. (I’ve titled them a little differently for our purpose.)
Perhaps you can relate.
1. We feel like a kid.
“When we were kids, we probably assumed we’d be the ones giving orders when we were adults, and no one would be bossing us around. When someone tells you to change what you’re doing, it can evoke an unwelcome feeling of being a kid all over again.”
2. We sense some powerlessness.
“Closely related to feeling like a kid is the sense of powerlessness that can come with being told what to do. When someone tells you to do something, it feels like they are choosing your behavior for you.
Taking orders from another person can feel like sacrificing control and being in a one-down position of weakness. Resistance to their request might be a way of reclaiming your power—even if it goes against your best interests (such as ignoring health advice).”
3. We want autonomy.
“Each of us needs to be the master of our own actions, so we rebel against the feeling that we’re being controlled.
You can see this need all through human development, from a 2-year-old’s insistence that they “do it myself” to adolescents’ growing need for independence to adults protesting …. Being told what to do can feel like an affront to our very nature.”
4. We value our individualism.
“Western societies like the U.S. place a premium on individualism. We want to make our own decisions and stand out from the crowd … Following orders might feel like giving up an essential part of your identity.”
5. We interpret it as criticism.
“When someone tells you to change your behavior, they’re implicitly telling you that your current behavior is not good enough. Each of us wants to believe that what we’re doing is right, so this suggestion can feel like a criticism.”
6. We fear a slippery slope.
“Even if the original request doesn’t really bother us, we might worry that it will only lead to more egregious requests and loss of control—’Give them an inch, they’ll take a mile.’ This fear can lead to anger and resistance.”
Take a look at those statements again:
We feel.
We sense.
We want.
We value.
We interpret.
We fear.
Next time someone – your partner, your boss, your co-worker, your doctor, your child, etc. – is telling you what to do and you feel yourself bristling a little against it, take a small pause and try using some of those statements to your advantage.
What am I feeling?
What am I sensing?
What do I want? (Is it something I can get?)
What am I valuing here?
What am I interpreting from this? (Is there a chance my assumptions might not be accurate?)
What’s the fear I’m experiencing as a result?
Armed with THAT information, you can give yourself so much more flexibility in how you respond.
I can’t wait to hear about what you’re learning about yourself from the commands others give you. And if you need any help, I’d love to assist you. I promise I won’t tell you what to do. Well, maybe a little. . . . (But I will also remind you that YOU are the boss of you.)
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